Wow i appologise for the Mega gap that is missing out of my life due to not having a computer. I refuse to write all that shit down here but as 90% of you know im not with Kara any more (not Kira either but that was who my old enteries were about) because ... i dont know. But her Dipshit-fatassed-fuckface of a boyfriend is already living with her(after me and her being broken up out of what i thought was the most enlightening relationship in my life)after only two weeks mind you. her mom asks the guy to live with them. I tried to return one fone call from her and her mom picked up the fone and cussed me out for calling all the time.when she called me i hated her but she made me feel sorry for her like i wanted to go back to her but after a while i hate her again. my wrists are shaking too much to keep talking about this.

     it took me two hours to sit up this morning. it took annother whole hour to get the will to brush my teeth. i go about my tasks without any life or meaning. it hurts so much. i dont think i can go on. im affraid of sleep. i just know when i wake up if the pain hasn't started i my nightmares it will when my eyes open. there are no sweet dreams for me any more, only what was. what was happyness now cant be. so joy is only a constant pain that is. this must be..no im quite sure it is, positive it is, no it is deffinantly the reason men go insane.

     when we were together i think i took Her love for granted, and now its like im being punished. She told me she just stopped loving me. and she keeps telling me that she doesn't know why.  i think she knows, i think she is trying to help me by not telling me. all i want to know is why. when we were together she was my everything. She is everything i ever wanted. smart, beautiful, funny, everything about her is perfect to me. the way her hair waves down and curls at the end, her two different ears--and the way she hates it when they are touched unless we are deep in a passionate moment, and the way that if she smiles just right the corner of a tooth on her left side overlaps her bottom lip the tiniest bit. i could go on like that forever, but it doesn't matter. all i want is her back, i just want to hold  her forever.

     David just made me eat, and i think im gonna puke.

     a couple days after the first time i told Her i loved Her, i told Her that i couldn't be with anyone i don't love. im not that kind of person. She never belived me when i told her she was beautiful. i thought i had been in love before but it never hurt this bad. and all the times she assumed i wanted her body it hurt me. i just want her. i just want to close my eyes and when i open them i want her to be there  because then the pain would stop. the pain only stops when im with her. one time she said she hated me and i hurt and i cried that night but it didn't hurt as much as this, nothing has ever hurt this much. i don't think i could love again, i just don't want to, not when it hurts this bad.

--uncoolshit-- love